Any cake BUT chocolate.

 

My Grandmother's birthday has got to be one of the hardest days
to get through since I lost her in 2001.

I wrote this awhile back but with September 11th being tomorrow, I thought this
might be the right time to share it.

I had planned on taking Shurree' out to see Skye today.
She has been asking me for a long time, to get pictures of her three kids together.
I try so hard to avoid it. Nothing to do with the child.
Just not something I am able to handle. Still.

It was Mom's day though so I thought I would brave it out.
At least attempt too.

I wanted to go by my old residence as well.
Bike Capital of The Northwest.
Wendy's. My first job.
The Redmond House. The one I will always call home.
Drive up the Old Windy past Adrian's.
Maybe stop by my schools?
The High School. Home of The Mustangs.

My lip had already started to quiver as I knew the memories would overtake me.
I was sure I was going to lose it the second I came past Moen's on 171st but ...
it didn't happen.

That house that made me.
The huge trees to the right of the driveway where the "special" car/truck was always parked.
The big Rhododendron bush under my bedroom window where my sweet Midnight sleeps.
The redwood fence that was lined with my favorite flowers,
the same one what kept Duke from running away, the one we spent a whole Summer building.
Gone. All Gone.

Nothing was the same. 
A shell of all the love that lived there at one time.

I drove on.
The schools were different. The streets over grown.
No squirrels or bikes. No laughter or ice cream music. 

I drove on.
It was a long trip from there to there.
One that had to be made though. One I dreaded.

Arriving, I pulled into the paved road.
Letting Shurree', Shailah & the kids out to go visit Skye.

Blazz got into the front set while I drove to the end of the line, turned around.
Stopped to say Hi to Aunt Rose.

I parked the "Boat" sitting in the sun while the girls took pictures.
I was doing alright. I was okay.
Blazz asked me if I was getting out?
I said that I couldn't.

I wasn't ready yet.
It has been 18 years.
I won't ever be ready. 

I was still doing okay. Holding my own.
I was feeling a little proud of myself.
Blazz asked me if I ever cry when I am happy.
I lost it. The tears just flowed. He held my hand.
My heart hurt. My empty, empty heart.

Love your Mom. Love her every chance you get.
She won't always be around. It won't ever get any easier.

*After leaving I drove down the way, across the street showing Blazz, the girls again:
The Old Farm Road talking about the hours 'n hours I spent there growing up.
I never lived there.
It just seemed that way with all the wood chopping & berry picking.
Summer days in the hot sun getting ready for the Winter nights.

It was time to get moving along.
I was sad. Real sad. One more stop before seeing Mary.

It was "lunch" time. I told Blazz about the yester-years of Nana with the meat grinder.
The ham sandwiches & knowing what the day a head was bringing our way.

To You Nana: Happy Happy Birthday, I miss you more then every star in the night sky.
Thank you for reminding me to stay in step - not to be just another Johnny.

     I celebrate you today just like I do every day - holding you in my heart & life.

                                                                         Kazz 💋