Like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

    

     "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with." - those words have never rang more true in my ears then the Summer that I decided to leave home to venture into territories unknown to me. I found way to soon that it was a big mistake, huge but I guess now, looking back, I wouldn't change it for any other memories. I look at it as a part of my journey. The one that took me off course but part of it none the less.

      Once upon a time family was family. Everyone was a whole. No one was separated. Everyone looked out for everyone. Everyone talked to everyone. Everyone got along with everyone. Awww yes - the good old days. I had one cousin that I just thought was well, the bees knees. (Don't date me on that, I just like the little insect). She was one of those people that you read about in fantasy books. One who travels the World on all these grand adventures. So fancy. Now, I can't in fact make stake to the claim that she really did travel the World but through my eyes it didn't matter. I just wanted to be her. Or at least be just like her. She would write me letters telling me of all her escapades and the out comes. In my "somewhat" sheltered life, I just couldn't imagine in my wildest thoughts anyone lived so richly as her. 
     Many of the letters always contained something "crazy" she had done. Something wild that meant she was living and living is just what I wanted to do so I did it through her. I recall in one of the envelopes the glue held such amazing little tid-bits of laugher and secrets. O! The secrets. She once got up on stage and did the Twist with Chubby Checker right there in front of everyone. Whaaaaaat?!? Another time she met a man in a night club and married him. No, not after dating. Not even after going out. She married him that night - in that club. My Aunt, her Mom would always say she knew when the fleet docked in town because my cousin would bring a new Sailor home every evening. She laughed and told me she always knew when the circus was around too because clowns were paraded in and out of her house for days on end. Being a young girl - those are the things dreams are made of. Or ... at least I thought they were.

      As I got older our letters continued being written and sent each month. I looked so forward to receiving one. I would lay on my bed reading it and thinking someday girl, someday. To my surprise that someday came ... she asked me if I would like to come and stay with her. Ummm Hello? I would have been insane to turn that offer down. When the day came closer to my travels my heart started to ache a little bit. I didn't want to leave home. The place I knew has home. My whole World was in those walls. My heart. My Grandmother but I always wondered if that really was the World. Any World. I had never really been far so I had nothing to compare anything to other then the visions coming from faded ink on worn out paper.

     I was going to do it. I needed to do it. If nothing other then to just find myself. My bags were packed. My tears fell going down that old dirt road, my heart shattered. What if I was making a mistake? What if I was so wrapped up in illusion that I was going to lose my reality? I screamed "I WANT TO GO HOME!" but nothing came out. I had no voice only fears.

     Though it was but a few hours to get to Oregon from here in Washington it seemed like weeks. I hated every bump and turn on the highway. I just wanted to go home. We arrived at my cousins house. Her 3 boys came out to meet us. I had always been pretty close to the oldest one but adored the other two as well. Just all real different kids. My cousins husband left her years before. I think I understood why. The boys helped me unpack my things from the car. Walking through the front door - this was it. This was my new life. A calm came over me. Home? I was ready for all these amazing roller coaster rides I had been waiting in line so long for. It was really happening. I felt impowered. I was going to be just like my cousin. A free spirit. First things first though. Rules. Rules? My cousin didn't seem like the type to have rules. But, fair enough. I sat down to listen. After the first couple came out of her mouth I was plotting on how I was going to run away and get back home. I wanted to go home. Boy was I ever, for the lack of a better term, Stupid!  
     Stupid. Her rules were just that. Stupid. The place I was sleeping as long as I lived with her was the couch. That wasn't the bad part though. I had to be up by 6am and have it tidied up and fluffed before she came out of her room. I was allowed to shower but there was a 8 minute limit and my hair and make up had to be done outside in the garage. "None of that girly garbage in her house." I could do laundry 1x a week but I would have to walk to the laundromat across town to wash and dry even though she had a washer and drier in her garage. I knew this because it is the place that held my mirror I needed to "put my face on" each morning. I would be buying as well as cooking my own food - which meant that if I wanted to eat, I would need to get a job. 

      I started working within a few days at the corner gas station. I was given the over-night shift from 11pm to 8am. 7 days a week. Did I ever sleep? Sleep. What's that? I had laundry to do and a couch to fluff. I met a lot of interesting people while I worked. A lot of truck drivers and just good old young cowboys. I got along with everyone. I loved my boss, Nancy. She had two small boys. I would say about 3 and 4 years old. Working seemed to be my escape from this person who would write me fictional paragraphs. One night I met this guy - I was talking to one of the boys about him and was telling them about his huge a** truck he drove. I told him that we were going out later but I would make sure when we got back that he could come outside to check it out. Well, my cousin over heard and I was strictly informed that NO ONE was coming to her house neither to pick me up or drop me off. I could get out of their car at the end of the road and walk back. End of conversation. Lord, what did I get myself into? I just wanted to go home. I talked to Nancy a lot. One night she came up to me and informed me that I was being given a day off. That seemed strange to me but I was okay with it. Sorta of. I was also told she would be picking me up because we were going out dancing, I don't dance. She made me go anyway. I told my cousin where I was going and what time I would be back. She told me to enjoy. We went to the club/bar. I don't drink. I was asked many times to dance. I don't dance. We had a great time - the night ending to soon. Nancy took me back to drop me off. All my stuff was sitting on the front porch. Everything I had brought with me EXCEPT one thing I didn't bring ... a note that read Have A Nice Life. What? I was so confused. The front door was even locked. This wonderful Goddess like person that I so looked up to and wanted to be like turned out to be bat sh*t crazy! I picked up my things and left. I walked to work early, clocking on for a longer shift. Nancy got in at her usual time. I told her what happened and she told me to come and stay with her. She was so sweet. I thanked her over and over. 

     Was this a blessing in disguise? I wouldn't quite say that. She was in a two bedroom trailer. With 1/2 of the towns population living there. It was nothing to have to step over the bodies (living) of 8-10 guys each morning. I adapted nicely. There was a lot of beer drinking and dancing in the street. I was having fun. *Note: I did not drink though. Nancy introduced me to things I didn't even read about. One night we ended up at a Rodeo. Two of the guys who lived with us did the bull riding thing. I can honestly say the rodeo was not for me. It was hot. It was dusty. It was dirty. After it was over and the last ye-haw was spit out, we somehow ended up at a tailgate party. Everyone kind of paired off. I was hanging with this guy James when Nancy ran over grabbing my arm like she was pulling me from on oncoming train. She was urgent when she told me that we had to go and go now. Her, Mike (one of the kids that stayed with us - a rider) and myself practically sprinted to her car and zoomed out leaving nothing but a huge puff of smoke. As the car winded higher and higher into the blacked road a head, Nancy said she thought she owed me an explanation of what just happened. I agreed. She went on the tell Mike and Myself that when she was about 13 she was raped getting pregnant. The man who raped her was at the party. The story went on to say that when she was full term, she was kidnapped and the baby was cut from her, being taken and never seen again. I just wanted to go home, ya know? As miles were being put on the tires, the corner in the distance revealed a car in a ditch. We thought it was weird because it was alone. Abandon. As we came closer it was clear a wreck had taken place. Other then the car with busted out windows and multiple dents there was no proof of that. We forged on. Within minutes we came upon a person walking with their back towards us. We stopped to ask if they needed help. There stood a man covered in blood. A nasty gash on his head. He agreed if we would just take him home. He got into the car pulling his duffle bag onto his lap. The car was quiet. All that could be heard was breathing very faintly. When we got to his home, he asked us to wait outside while he went in to get some money to give us for the lift. We told him that he didn't need too. Grinding his teeth he screamed "WAIT!" and setting his duffle bag on the seat, he shuffled to the house. I am not sure why Nancy thought she should look in the bag while she had the chance but she did. As the zipper let lose of its grip, Nancy jumped and instructed to Mike to get that bag out of the car now! "We have to go! We have to get out of here!" Mike looked in the bag and started to cry. He was frozen. Not being able to move it was up to one of us girls to get the bag out and go before that guy came back. Tires squealed - we were gone. The bag holding the 3 Uzis were left in the driveway. Phew. Not the kind of fairytale I wanted to experience. I still just wanted to go home. A few days later Mike didn't come back from work. 6 days from the time he came up missing he was located tied up and locked in a small building by the river. Did the "hitchhiker" have anything to do with it? I didn't know. I didn't want to know. I just wanted to go home so I went!

-----> A lot more happened while I had my little "vacation" in Oregon that Summer. There were affairs, miscarriages', broken hearts, friendships made, friendships lost. I only seen my cousin ONE more time after she kicked me out. That was years and years later at My Grandmothers Birthday Celebration. By then I was with someone, had 4 kids and was pregnant with my fifth. She walked over to me and and said "If you weren't pregnant right now, I would kick your 'effin a**!" I never did know what her problem was. I just figured it was she didn't like the new author who was writing "better" stories then hers. 


                                                 Kazz 💋