Don't let the sun go down on me ...

 

                                                      Dustin McKenzie
                                     October 8th of 1989 - October 12th of 2022

Taking a deep breath - a breath so hard that it has my body feeling like it has just been slammed into by a mac truck. This is something I never ever wanted to write about let alone think about or "have" to experience. 

     I chose the title for this blog for reasons that I keep inside of me. Whenever I hear the words to this song, I think of my Grandmother *huge sigh - being back at the place in Monroe, yes Marge's - the Summers when my Grandma would be out in the fields "working" at weeding eating the grass that seemed to grow faster then she could chop away at it. I stated before that there was nothing to do there so highlights included teasing and taunting her - Summers late afternoons would be the worse. She would go out to the yard leaving me inside the house alone. I always felt like I was going stir crazy there so I would try to convince her to come inside with any means I could think of yet her response was always the same - "I need to get this patch before the sun goes down." 

     How can we not talk about family when family's all we got?

When I was growing up, the younger years, we would spend a lot of time going to visit our family members who were and are now flying the skies. It would always be the same ground in Maple Valley - yet once a year we would go to "visit" my Grandfather's Mom - I am saddened because I don't really remember where she was laid to rest at. One time, I was even taken to another cemetery. I can only remember that it was down this old rocky path where a huge metal swinging bar locked us out of it. My Grandfather *insert wink - took it upon himself to bust the lock open. I don't even remember who it was that was there we were "seeing."  I just know going to take flowers out to the "angels" was something that was normal to me. I never questioned it or had any other thoughts about it.

Getting older, I will say that family members had different stories they would tell about - dare I say "witchcraft?" or something that might be labeled as just that. I did become more and more interested about the afterlife. I read about it whenever I could find something in print. I watched shows about it whenever they aired. I did not become obsessed with "Angels & Spirits" until one of my friends in Jr. High was killed in a car accident. That was the point that I started to believe that there were such "beings." 
     I will say though - I don't believe in Ghosts. Only Angels and Spirits because tell you what, you see a Ghost - y'all best better figure out what the h*ll you did to piss that spirit off to turn them into a "scary sheet" and fix it.

I have 4 girls and 1 boy. As a parent or just as a coherent person at all, you can tell yourself and believe there will be trouble brewing as they get older. Football games, dances, holding hands, stolen kisses. It is up to us who birthed them to see they are always safe. Trying to keep away the pain of not only skinned knees but broken hearts. 
     I know has a Mom - that means doing anything and everything within my power. I think my kids secretly "hate" me for that - I did back when my Grandmother did it to me but now that I am raising these humans, I get it and still feel the warm fuzzies whenever I think about the love that woman had for me.

My oldest daughter, Shurree' met a kid - they were kids. Young. Not 21 - though that still seems young to me but more like 16-17 years along. I didn't know anything about this boy even though she talked about him non stop. I just knew though - she was in love. This kid wasn't going anyplace. I resolved to that and realized I had to meet his Parents. In this case, his mom.

Now, if you  have ever watch Sweet Home Alabama when Andrew's Mom, Kate went to Melanie's to meet Earl & Pearl - poor Melanie was humiliated at her way of living - growing up since everyone was so high mantience. I was not sure what I was walking into when I found myself on the doorstep of this young man - who stole my daughter's heart, home. 
     I was invited in. So far, so good. This boy - Dustin was an okay kid. The brothers - they were alright too. Now let me tell you  - their Mom? It would be safe to say MUCH LARGER THEN LIFE! I didn't know which way to run. I wasn't sure how to pry my kid's hand from the one that was locked with hers but I had to find somehow to do it. Taking a deep breath - I sat there waiting for Melanie's "crazy old" Grandpa to show up with a gun but that didn't happen, it was his mom - not Gramps that did the honors.

By the way that these two kids looked at each other, I figured I just best suck it up, sit back and relax. I had a feeling they were going to be together a real long time. Real long time.

Just like Melanie & Jake - if anything came between them they would always find their way back to each other. No matter what it was. No matter when it was.

     As I listened to story after story that Dustin's mom (spit) out - I came to learn that she grew up or at least lived in my hometown. Lord, she even went to my school - Redmond High. A fellow Mustang. *Come here Mom, give me a hug. Right then and there THIS was family. We talked about people we knew, friends we had together but how we had never met before. Crazy world.
     From that moment on, we shared many moments together. Holidays, birthdays, kids being born, kids leaving the nest, BBQs, tears and a lot of laugher. A bond was formed. When you meet someone like (that family) they are just that ... family. 

Now of course the two kids broke up at some point but not before the dropping off of sandwiches in the wee hours of the morning, the sneaking around seeing each other, the late night phone calls and texting. Picture exchanges. 
     I always believed that no matter what path they traveled these two young ones would always end up meeting at the end of the road. The universe had made a statement - these two belonged together. I didn't always agree - Dustin was quite the "tool" at times but there was always something about that kid. His compassion maybe? I don't know but good or bad times - he was always able to draw you in. Whether it was into his hug or into his web. He was one of a kind.

     Maybe years have came and gone. Both Shurree' and Dustin have found other loves or at least others to date and I honestly can't say how Dustin ended up feeling about Shurree' but I can honestly say that Shurree' has always loved him and I think I just might put the apple cart before the horse here and reveal that she has always been "in love" with him as well.

They have remained friends - not as close as they once were but still in touch just the same.

     We received a message today, Dustin gained his Angel wings. My heart physically hurts at this news. Though we had just found out he was sick - just how sick he really was, none of this were prepared - no one wanted to say goodbye. We still don't.

I want to reach out to his mom. I don't know exactly what to say to her at this moment. I realize a lot of people would say "I am sorry. I know how you feel." I can't tell her that though. It would be nothing more then a bold face lie. I know the feeling of loss but not the feeling of losing a child. My child. How does one even comprehend something such as that? I don't think that one does. Or if they do - I can't fathom how. I can tell her though while being selfish at this moment that belongs to her, I hope that I never ever have to go through what she is going through right now.

     I just made myself a pot of coffee, the Autumns air is turning chiller now, I will only drink one cup. Black coffee is something my Grandmother would make to calm nerves, to act as sore throat soother and for just about any other reason or non reason there was. 
     Sliding back into my chair, I think about *I hate the word - death. Who is it that we mourn? Or mourn for? Is it the people who have passed or ourselves? I have thought about this a lot over the course of each person who has met me on my journey. I, myself, mourn for them.

I mourn for the fact that they will no longer see the trees change color in the Autumns sunlight, they will never hear a Childs laughter, pet a dog or sing another Van Halen song on a Summer's Day. But then I must remember that each person is placed in our path for a reason. To only help us get to where it is we will ultimately end up. Some are here for your entire days and some you only pass in a grocery store, thinking you will never see them again but somewhere down the line of time, - you do. You need to be good to everyone. All the time. Always.

     Now as for my children, I would more then 100 percent mourn for myself. I am a very strong woman. I push through pain. I push past pain but for me to lose one of my children - that is more then pain. A pain I could not bare. I don't even want to have to bare. I tell myself the things I heard when I was younger, we write our own stories before we ever come to this Earth. We pick how we will live, who we will connect with and how we will part - are true. That has been the one thing that has always kept me strong in heartache. My children though? That would not be the case. I cant imagine my life without my children - I lost my Grandmother in 2001, I still feel a vice grip on my heart. I will never get over it. I just go to a numb state thinking about never hearing Shurree's belly laugh again, Sharrah standing up for herself, seeing Saisha twerk on the counter (don't ask - she is the special one), being with Shailah when she almost runs off the road seeing a baby cow or getting a text message from my son, Mighty - Blazz with updates about more greatness he has conquered.

Today people - Call your Grandparents. Tell ypur Mom & Dad that you love them and for Gods Sake hold your kids and enjoy every moment good or bad. Because at least they are moments. They are the moments that you will always have even when that is all that is left.

(Take Pictures. Thousands and Thousands of Pictures. Always Take Pictures)

     Dustin: In my mind and in my heart, I want to say a silent prayer for you. Godspeed child. 

I don't know how Angel think but never believe that you didn't leave your mark on this World and no Dustin - I am not talking about everything you tagged! I am talking about who you are - the boy, the person, the man. You might not have known it but I think that really? You did know - we all loved you and will continue to love you until we see you again and then we might need to have a little talk. For now though, you rest easy for a moment and then get back into your *SEXY BEAST mode - and always remember that no matter what (angel) you have a crush on up there - my kid is down here still loving the hell out of you! Might be nice if you let her know that you are okay (again) and maybe once in awhile spook your mom a little, I think she would really appreciate that. Take Care You!

                                                           Kazz 💋

  Don't forget to look up at the sky tonight because I bet y'all something spectacular is going to happen.