O! You Didn't Know?!?!

 

                               If you think being a parent is hard - try being a mom.

I came across some photographs of an old friend. Friend? Or was he family? The Late Great Roddy Piper. Knowing "The Hot Rod" as he never shied away from being called - was something bigger then life itself. This man, let me tell you. Honestly, I can't even start to tell you. There are no words in the English vocabulary to even try to describe him and I really believe that even if you tired too UNLESS you met him in full Piper fashion, you just wouldn't understand. This guy was just everything. He was wild. He was smart. He was good looking. He was funny but more then all of those - Roddy was Bat Sh*t Crazy. That is the way we accepted him and the way we loved and still love him. I tell you, it doesn't matter how bad your day was going it would most certainly be turned around just by watching this guy get his head shaking and letting out a first word with that high pitched enthusiast squeal he came to do so very often.

Heaven really did score big in the battle royal of bring this one home.

Keep wRESTling in Peace old pal. You are remembered with love & laughter.

     Speaking of the passing of a great one:
We lost a family member a few days ago. (see: Don't let the sun go down on me - blog) and today I think maybe it is sinking in a little more or maybe I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself? Yes! I said myself in a rather selfish way.

     The other day I received a message, text message from my daughter in Montana.
Emergency.
Blazz.
Chest pains.
Hospital.

Now I am not sure which one of the two of my evil brats thought that would be funny but I can let you know right now IT WAS NOT! (I am not mad at them for it because my kids are alright) But, let me tell you how this all unfolded.

     After I got done shaking and trying to catch my breath before I was occupying the bed next to my kids, I was able to get my daughter on the phone who was 3 way chatting with my son - yea, the one was was "rushed" to the hospital. I didn't get a lot of answers from the chest pain incident other then that fact that my kid seems to think that jelly beans need to go on top of coffee crepes ... moving on.
     After hanging up it took but a few moments and panic set in. All I could think of was - Oh Lord, something is wrong and he won't tell me. Of course now unable to know what I should be doing or feeling, I let my thoughts run all over me. I started thinking about the chest pains and then I remembered something he said about "not being around in 8 months" when he was explaining Cory (his roommate) wanted to get a dog. Chest pains. 8 months. This wasn't good. I waited like two more days and messaged my oldest daughter and asked her to call her brother to see if he was okay. Well she made the call but failed at getting information. At least any that would make me feel better. Another day passed when a snap was posted that he said he was doing his "last EVER" live stream. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

     If you have ever been a mom then you know how unbearable the pain of your child hurting can be - is. The skinned knees, the dog bites, the earaches, colds and broken hearts. You feel more devastated for them then you ever did for you when it happened.

(Sorry about the little hiatus there - a dog was in the road and I needed to go save it. It is safe. Tried biting my arm off but the little thing is safe and home again. Not my home either though for a minute it was kind of looking that way.)

My whole being could only continually put one and three together. 
Hospital. Gone in 8 months. Last live stream EVER.
     Yup. This was it and this is something I was trying avoid but I had to do it. I had to step forward, being the cool mom and all and just ask my son if he was .... the "d" word. Dying.

I grabbed my phone and even though through my waterfall tears, I was able to message him. I told him that I needed to know the truth and if it was bad just to lie to me because I couldn't take much more of this worry.
     That is when it happened. Like a ton of bricks slamming into my whole being while laying still and letting the each of them crash down busting every bone in my body. The message that came back to me in return was one thing I have feared - feared for so long.

The little shit told me he was thinking and I say THINKING about moving to Florida. I let out this huge silent scream that shook my whole body. Was he kidding me? Did he know what this thought was going to do to me? Was he, himself trying to kill me? All I could do is sit there in hurt and anger - asking him what the hell was so damn important in that horrible place that he had to go there? Because as far as I knew - Not a damn thing! I followed up with my very prominent opinion of YOU ARE NOT GOING! I will stand in front of the plane or strap myself to the hood of the car.

     This was a few days ago and tears are still welling in my eyes when I think about it. Like, Florida is the other side of the World. Or it might as well be. He went from Washington to Montana - that was the other side of the World and then from Montana to Colorado and that was even more on the other side of the World and now from Colorado to Florida - that might as well be China for me.

I know all the sayings tell you to give your kids roots and wings but what does that even mean? To remind them where home is once they are shoved from the nest and need to fly so they don't splat? 

How can I be there for him when he isn't even in this Universe anymore? Florida. Really? Florid-hate the state-ah! 

Your family is HERE! Your life is HERE! Your home is HERE!

Maybe I should rethink about why he wants to go? Maybe he should tell me why? Maybe it won't be so bad? Maybe I will be committed to a mental hospital for being insane, a nervous breakdown and letting something like this happen. Maybe I will just keep praying and praying he doesn't go. 
     But if he does: I need him to know that he is taking my heart with him - my broken, shattered heart and all my love and support and every breath in me hoping that he remembers his way back here where he belongs and never should be leaving in the first place.

     I think in this moment the best way to end this little rant & prayer is with the words Dorthey spoke in the Wizard of Oz: "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

 

Now, I can about bet "the farm" on this one - my son is going to think I am being over dramatic with all of this but honestly he isn't a mom yet & well, I am a mom but when it comes to something like this ... Maybe just not (the) Cool Mom like everyone knows me to be.

                                                                                          Kazz 💋